Friday, June 3, 2011

Fear

Not to many people know this story and how its still affecting me, but I thought I'd just tell it. When Nathan and I were using black (Heroin) we some times would get White (Cocaine) with it cause its a fun combination. Black is a downer and white is a upper, the reason people overdose so much and black is cause its such a downer it slows everything down so much it stops your heart, and you get tired so sleeping plus being on a downer not a good combo. One time we were using and Nathan took a big hit and he laid down next to me on a couch and a few seconds later I look over at him and he's not breathing and his lips were blueish, I started shaking him screaming his name trying to get him to wake up, i was slappin his face and just yelling trying to get him to wake up! Now I could tell you every thought that came to mind. First do I call 911 how long should i wait if i cant gethim up do i call, if i call they'll know were doing drugs what if they take to long and those seconds i waist dailing i'm not trying to get Nathan up and i'm just prayin my guts out that he'll wake up and not die. All these thoughts were just frantically going through my mind while I'm shaking him trying to get him up! finally after what seemed like forever but i think it was just a few seconds he like jerks up and wakes up, Im frantic and he's like what whats wrong calm down and i'm yelling at him you almost just died and hes just calm as ever like he was just sleeping and i'm like he wasnt sleeping he was blue and not breathing! I was bawling and he just didnt understand what i just went through. Ever since that I could never enjoy my high cause I was so worried about nathan passing out and not waking up. Its been a few years later and at night when I dont fall asleep before Nathan and then i get in bed and am not quit asleep but getting ther and you can still hear things and are aware of stuff, I will hear Nathan and theres times I dont hear him take a breath so I check him and hes fine, some nights Ill look at him and he's already white as a ghost lol so i'll see him and he looks pale and he didnt take a breath so i'll frantically shake him and say Nathan and of course he's alive and he wakes up like what! and i'm like you scared me. Just last night I wasnt sleeping very good cause Nathans breathing seemed off rythm(it may just be how he breaths while sleeping) so I couldnt sleep cause i was freaked out he would stop breathing so i looked over at him and he didnt take a breath and he looks pale and it just takes me back to that night so i shake him and say nathan and he wakes up like i'm trying to sleep. It's the hardest thing knowing i was seconds away from lossing him forever and now when we go to bed i have a fear i'm gonna wake up at night and he will be gone, its horrible always feeling like i gotta check him and make sure he's breathing or i cant sleep i'm up all night scared out of my mind. Thats one of the reasons I'm staying sober cuz if i relapse so will nathan and I cant be the one who allows nathan to use and then accidently have him overdose, it'll be my fault. I'm so blessed hes here with me, that was one of the scariest things ive been through. Nathan said he just felt like he was sleeping he doesnt remeber any of it. I dont know what to do to make it better,i dont know how to feel assured that everynight he's gonna be okay. I love him to death he's amazing to me and lossing him would be the end of the world to me. Im so blessed i have him.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Meet Russell

This is Russell. Russell is a hound. Russell's owner is a friend of one of the peoples in our duplex. Russell is the sweetest doggy ever, he loves being rubbed on his tummy. He's ears are so soft and long. He's so eager to sneak in your house and be loved. He's owner rescued him from an abusive family :( I love Russell.

Randomness

I went and saw my baby's grave the first time and it was emotional. But I held it together, it was very peaceful and quiet. It was defiantly a place I know Jack would love , he would of loved to just run all over and sniff every bush and tree and then pee it on lol. It was reassuring to know that the ground wasn't disturbed and that he's in peace. I love all the flowers that are growing around the ground. This is Nathan soooo happy to be in our new "mold free" house, that we just love! We just got the keys and are ready to move in!


Can I just say how sexy he is??








Lets go blow things up!



We've been chillin allot with my little brother and his wife Lacey, him and Colton like to hang out while I'm at work. Last Sunday we all were gonna go on a hike but that didn't happen so instead we went shooting. I got Nathan a gun for Christmas and he's only been shootin with it Once. It was fun to just hang out and shoot off guns at stuff.



Colton trying to tell me to make sure i push it up tight so it wont hurt me, but i was to chicken that I most likely would of hurt myself with out padding lol.





he's such a good brother, he's trying to braven me up.







Big guns, love em!









Coltong and Lacey loading up his cool old school gun

Visit from Wesley

Nathans sister Becka and her family came to Utah to visit friends and while they were up here came over and took a visit with us. Nathan and I have never met his newest nephew Wesley. This baby just loved Nathan, he would just stare at him and then once Nathan looked at him he would just get this huge open mouth smile. Can I just say I was in love, he was so happy and sweet. It was good getting to see the California family and it was really good for Nathan to spend a little bit of time with his sister. We made breakfast and just visited for a bit. It was a good visit.

Nathan just thought he looked so cute sleeping all bundled up that he went and snuck a picture.