Saturday, November 27, 2010

1 Month

The Casting Trina made

Washing his feet.

A poem my dad made, that Trina put over a picture of his Grave.

Nathan and I by his name carving

Getting the strenght to do one of the most hardest things.

Jack in his Halloween Costume. Last picture I have of him.

My favorite picture of the 2 of us.

Few days After i got him.

Jack as a baby.

I've been procrastinating this post for awhile it was hard enough to do the other post. It feels doing this post is like me coming to terms with it and i don't like that I don't want to come to terms with it.
October 30,2010 Jack passed away. Anyone who knew me knew that Jack was my life and most of all my baby, I got him just 4 months old and raised him like my child. Early October we put Jack in the backyard, we got a new chain for him a dog house so that he was sheltered. The house was to small and Jack needed to be outside I didn't like it but it needed to happen, Jack loved being outside anyways so it wasn't that big of a deal. He loved it out there. For Halloween I got him a little Jacket thing that had a glow in the Dark Skeleton he had it on for about 2 3 weeks maybe. Saturday the 30 was a busy day i had to run errands and be to work earlier then usual, while we were getting ready for work the bathroom window was open and it shows out to the back yard and Jack. Steve our neighbor was on the side in the backyard fixing his window and we noticed that jack wasn't barking at him cause he doesn't like Steve to well. on jacks house we put a towel over the door so the wind doesn't blow in it and we knew jack was in the house cause we see his chain leading into the house, so we figured he's gotten use to people outside he's just sleeping in his house and we didn't really think bout it. we go to work people are trick treating we come home and at night i don't go see jack cause we dnt want him barking in case he wants me to bring him in. Sunday i had work off and i get up do somethings before i go feed jack. When i went out there he's still in his house cause thts were his chain his leading too. so i call for him and lift up the towel and hes gone the chain must of broke off somehow , my stomach just drops cause he is a runner anytime he can get off his leash he takes off . so i walk around all over looking for him and mom comes to help. and i know Sundays are pretty quiet and calm but this Sunday it had a weird dead silence to it. we looked for bout over an hour driving around, the pound was closed .So we said we have to hope that somebody called him in or the pound has him and gotta wait Monday morning to find out. Nathan gets home I'm in living room trying not to stress out hoping that it's gonna be okay, he goes outside and talks to a few neighbors. he comes over to me and said jacks gone I'm like i know he's gone he's like no he's gone he died. i start freaking out i said no he's not he just ran away, Nathan says no Tasha the neighbor saw it he got hit by a car he didn't make it. i cant explain that feeling of what goes through your mind and body, i don't ever wanna feel like that again. i just sat on the couch and cried so hard like Ive never cried before i was hysterical i kept saying he's not gone he just ran away i was so numb. Nathan he's amazing he just held me and let me cry after and hour he asked if i wanted to go to my moms but we ended up at Katrina's were mom met us. its a horrible feeling when you've lost something soo close and precious to your heart. I guess jack got out Saturday some time and was running around the neighborhood, the neighbor says he was running around with the trick or treaters being good having fun, he'd get close enough to them but enough to were they cant touch him which is soo jack. he even had his Halloween costume on. The lady said he got hit by a car, and that she stayed with him till he passed. she called the shelter and they came and got his body. she said he went Fairley fast and didn't think he was in to much pain. I've yet gone and talked to her but i Really wanna go talk to her and get the full story just for my sake. the next morning mom and Trina found out were he was being kept and asked if i wanted to go with to see him. i felt that i needed to go see him and just get confirmation that it's him or I'd always have that unsurity . My stomach was in knots, I've been crying all night and morning that ride just sucked. it still felt like a dream, we get there they take us to a back room and i had my back turned so that i couldn't see them bring him in and i knew when they came all these emotions i wasn't ready to see him like that so i waited a few minutes for Trina and Nathan to see him first make sure he wasn't in to bad of shape so i finally turned around and just seeing him on the table like that was really hard, they had a towel over his head said i shouldn't see his face that killed me right their cause i love his face and i wanted to see him. I'm so use to touching jack and feeling his warmth and him being cold and unresponsive was difficult. Trina brought some stuff to get castings of his feet for me . we moved him to the sink so that we could wash off his feet, he never liked his feet touched so it was nice to just wash them and hold them. it was time to go and i didn't want to leave him i could of stayed with him for hours. they asked what i wanted to do with him and I had mixed feelings so the next day Tuesday I let them know I wanted to bury him. Jon and Trina found a spot in the canyon and on Wednesday night Tashina, McKadie, Trina her kids mom dad and Lacey all met up at the spot. Nathan and Dad mostly dug the hole I helped a bit, then it was time to get Jack. Nathan and I walked back to the car, we got Jack out layed him on the floor to wrap him up in his sheet that he slept on. It was the hardest thing to say goodbye to him and know that'll be the last time I'm gonna touch him and kiss his sweet soft cheeks. Nathan picked him up to hand him to me and walking him over was so hard, we get to the spot and I just cant let him go I don't want him taken from me. Nathan had to pull him out of my arms and laid him down. We covered him up, Nathan carved his name in the tree and i put some flowers on his grave.. Jack loved to run so we say he was running around happy Trick Treating with the neighbor's in his costume . Jack got hit head on with the car, he's body was in good shape only had a few little scratches on it. He's head got a pretty good cut on his for head were his wrinkles are the most, I'm thankful it happened fast for him i like to think he wasn't in to much pain. Head injury's are pretty brutal, if he got hit some were else he would of been hurting. I hurt the most because I wasn't there with him, I wasn't the one to comfort him, me his mom the person he loved the most wasn't there for him. Instead it was a stranger I'm very grateful she stayed with him but I wish Jack knew I would of been there if i knew.. In a way it's probably good i wasn't there because it would of been to much for me, i freak out just when he gets sick can you imagine me being there helpless when my baby is dying? its to much to think of. I loved Jack deeply, he was an amazing dog to me, I thought he'd be with me for at lest 5 more years. HE got taken away way to soon. You cant help thinking it's somehow your fault, I should of know something wasn't right when I knew he wasn't barking at Steve, I should of checked his leash all these thoughts come to mind cause if i had done those things my baby would still be here with us. It's lonely without him. About a few days later i was home alone getting ready to go to work and i go into the kitchen and this overpowering smell of Jack was there, i walked back in the living room and it's not in there so i go back in the kitchen and its still there. I told him I love him and miss him and come and visit us anytime he wants. When i got back home from work the smell was gone. When I'm sick with a migraine or sleeping at night Nathan would let Jack come in the living room and lay on the couch by him while he played his game, when i got a migraine a week later i was sleepin in the room all day and Nathan said he could smell Jack and it only stayed for a few minutes. I believe spirits can go any were they want and Nathan and I totally believe Jack has came by and let us know by his smell. It hasn't happend since and I'm always looking for that sign of when he comes to visit.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A letter to my baby Jack

My sweet sweet baby Jack, I'm gonna tell the story of how I got you. One day I just decided I was going to get a dog. Ever since I had a dog named Princess (she was a Shar Pei) I fell in love with the wrinkles. So I decided I was going to get my dream dog, I didn't think I'd find one in Utah so I went and searched the net for breeders. I remeber'd how big Princess was and the net said miniature Shar Pei's I was a mini wrinkly puppy heck yes! I saw breeders in China for mini mini Shar Pei's but they were thousands of dollars, I finally found a breeder who sold mini Shar Pei's, it looked legit so I sent her an email. Her name was Sharon, she wrote me back saying she just had a litere and had one male puppy left, at this point I didn't care if it was a girl or boy. You were going to be somebody Else's, but you couldn't be taken until a few weeks later because you had to get your eye's stapled up so the owners changed their minds, thank goodness for that. I told Sharon that I wanted you, she described you as a rusty red color, potty trained, and you were a good listener. I was sooo excited, I never saw a picture of you I was going off instinct and Sharon sounded like this was the real thing. You cost me $700 I made payments over a months time. I talked to Sharon a few times a week to check on how my baby was doing. She asked me what name I picked for you and I told her Captain Jack Sparrow but we'd call you Jack. You are A.K.C registered. I had marked on my calender the day I would pick you up, and for some reason the date got pushed back a month, I was so sad. I counted down the days and on August 31, 2006 mom and I drove to the airport, we waited bout an hour till your flight came in. We went to the pick up stand, and mommy was so nervous and excited to see you I waited a little over 2 months to get you. The man set your cage on the counter and your face was right up to the door and you were snorting and moving all over. I teared up I just saw this fat wrinkly face looking at me. I was in love that moment, I took you outside you were so nervous to come out, once out you went potty and you took forever lol. You were born in Missouri May 9, 2006, you were almost 4 months when I brought you home. You were the cutest sweetest wrinkly thing ever! Everybody loved you, it was so hard going to work that night that let me even leave early to get back to my baby. I came home and found you cuddled up in dads arms asleep in the garage. You slept all day, I would just hold you and cuddle. When we slept for the first few weeks you literally slept on my head, lol so I'd push you off. After that you started sleeping on my feet, you always had to be touching me. You had ticks on you but we went to the vet and fixed you up. I remember the vet putting a cone on you so you wouldn't rub your eyes. They still had the staples in, your eyes weren't very good as a baby. You acted so depressed with the cone on I felt so bad, I even cried cause I knew you hated it. You grew into your eyes, you had the darkest deepest chocolate brown eyes. You had a knack for running away to the horses. One day you were barking at its feet and it kicked you in the chest and it scared me so bad, and you still kept going at him. You loved to run. You had a temper with guys, you even attacked Lance. You charged the gate and got him right on the butt! He deserved it :) You got possessive over dog bones, every time I went to work or left you would sit at the door and wait, broke my heart. You loved your mommy so much. I threw you birthday parties, I gave you a new years kiss. You were very protective over me ;) you were a little OCD, whenever we got your leash you would go crazy, we had to hold you still to get it on and then right before we opened the door you would shake your flappy head . when we came back inside you'd do the same thing, every time you went outside. You were the best vacuum ever, you licked the ground so much you rubbed off your cute black nose. Whenever you gave kisses you would stop licking in the middle of your tongue hanging out and just sit there for a few seconds and then resume licking. We called it lazy tongue. Every morning you'd wake me up by bouncing on me to take you out, lol sometimes you'd stick your face right in front of mine and snort! Drove me nuts I wanted to sleep Jack. You had the best personality ever, you were so funny. When you would get so excited you'd put your ears down your tail curled under your butt and you'd run in circles all over the house as fast as you could. It was fun to watch. You loved playing tug a war, you would pull hard with mommy but with daddy you'd pull soft drove him nuts lol. You liked kids, you would watch TV and go crazy whenever you saw horses (daddy says you must have been a horse in your previous life). You'd try to eat and snap at the TV when you could reach it. You sometimes well alot of the time thought yourself as human and sometimes a cat. You would sit on the back of the couch just like a cat would. You constantly would look out the windows that we've had broken shades, right were your face would go. Taking you on walks was hard to do, you'd pull and try to get to every bush, tree anything you could sniff out and pee on. Annoying. You got in an argument with a dog that was his fault and he bit you and you just ignored him, very proud of you. You hated the rain, you would hold your pee until it stopped and if you had to go bad enough you'd duck your head and try to go under a bush to avoid the rain and then hurry and run back in the house lol. You didn't like riding in cars, you would always cry and walk in circles. Since you hated water you did not like baths at all, I had to chase you and carry you in the tub and you would just stand there and give me this pitiful look. Only recently did you not fight me to the tub, you actually just got in yourself very gloomily but you got in yourself! You were horrible when trying to cut your nails or put medicine in your ears. You were soo good looking you'd win a dog show. I loved loved kissing your soft fuzzy cheeks and the tip of your nose (it had a little fuzzy part). You didn't like to cuddle or be touched unless you wanted to be and when you would cuddle we took full advantage. Its no secret you had a temper, you made it very hard or mommy to take you to a vet. Some even turned us away ;( I wanted to breed you and get a little girl from you but I knew with your attitude it wasn't a good idea. I thought fixing you would help but I never got around to it. You loved playing with Nessi when she was a baby, so cute. You were my life, my happiness my light in the dark. I could never leave you, one of the reason's why I didn't got to rehab. I loved you with all that I have. you were my most prized possession. I did everything I could for you, I spoiled you rotten, I did put you first but you are my baby. Your curly tail rubbed so much on your back that it rubbed off the hair at the tip of your tail, it was funny we called it your worm tail. LOL. Nathan wanted you in the backyard the house was to small. That first night out there broke my heart, I cried all night. You were barking and crying and sitting facing the door staring for me to come let you in. It killed me, I wanted you with me so bad but I knew you needed to be out there. I knew you wanted mommy but you had to get use to it. After a week you slept through the night, you loved it outside, you'd lay in the sun and sleep. You lived up to your name for sure, you were just as crazy and one of a kind :) You took pictures with mommy in her dress and you were sooo good, I was so proud of you. Theirs a picture were we are looking at each other and you can just see the total admiration and love you had for me. Everyone knew you are my baby boy. I love you so very much Jack you are my world.